Into Asia - jb

jb/australia/sydney
Quite liked it, give or take the inhabitants. Expensive, but fun for a few days. Nothing more.

jb/Singapore/
Really liked it. Could even live or work here for a while, provided I didn't get shot for breaking one of the many, many rules they have.

jb/malaysia/Kuala Lumpur
I can imagine that KL is an exciting, vibrant place if you fly in (business class, of course), dine at somewhere air conditioned and Western priced, hold your breath for a quick tour of the 'colourful' markets, nip back to your hotel room with a fake Rolex and a genuine hooker, then piss off home again. It must be good, because there's certainly a lot of that sort of thing going on.

Seen any other way, Kuala Lumpur is a hole. It's hot, aggressive, smog filled, run down, overcrowded and stinks unceasingly of the open sewage that's just washed across your (flipfopped) feet. I can think of only one redeeming feature in this otherwise charmless shitpit of a city and that's the nighttime view of the magnificent twin Petronas towers. Otherwise, everything you need to know about KL is summed up by the fact they have a street sign for 'do not piss here' and it really ain't working.

jb/Malaysia/Trying not to eat at market stalls in KL
I'm still arguing with Em that just because something is cooked in a gutter doesn't give it an inherent culinary nobility. She has an open-minded approach to food and delights in finding new tastes wherever we go, but in KL where she sees street vendor heaven I simply see a short cut to dysentry. If you have to ask 'is that the sauce or the sewer?' during a meal, it's really time to eat elsewhere.

Even so, there's still a lot to love about Mayalysian food. For a start you can get two complete Big Mac meals for less than £2.50, which is a tough act to beat anywhere.

jb/malaysia/Long distance travel...
... Is fun if you like your buses decked out somewhere between a curryhouse and a mobile brothel. If there's a single surface on board (wall or ceiling, curved, flat or otherwise) that isn't covered in deep, stained and patterned carpet I haven't found it yet. Scenery? Who can tell? The windows have thick, frilly brocade curtains, the stereo's on full blast alternating white noise with snatches of Bollywood or hip hop, and the suspension's buggered. Come back Nicaragua, all is forgiven

jb/Malaysia/In general
Em says I'm not adjusting well to Asia. You think? The place could do with a good clean, and definitely a lot less fish sauce. I'd like to say the scenery is lovely but it's hard to see past the first ten feet of litter and palm oil plantation. If there was a synchronised litter dumping contest in the Olympics, Malaysia would win it.

jb/malaysia/Just call me Finbarr
Three stops from Dang Wangsi to Titiwangsa, with a transfer at Buckit Nanas. How can anyone do this with a straight face? God help us when we get to Hang Dong in Thailand.

jb/malaysia/kapas island/On not going topless
We hit Kapas during school holidays and the families were very definitely out at play, bobbing past in life-jacketted snorkel flottilas. I'll never forget the sight of a spacehopper-shaped Malaysian holiday mum stamping determinedly into the sea in a purple pillar-box burka with flourescent orange life jacket, bright blue face mask and snorkel, and just the tips of yellow flippers visible. She was chased all the way in by two buck-toothed, cackling aunties in matching purple hijabs driving an out-of-control kayak. Beautiful to see.

jb/malaysia/Kapas and Perhentian Kecil/nice if you like sharks
These were two of the loveliest, quietest islands we've been to yet (give or take a few days school holiday madness on Kapas). We've managed to find secluded beaches with cheap accomodation and food. The swimming and snorkelling is great (stunning visibility), and the scuba diving is brilliant and the cheapest yet. Chalk up our first shark swims at Kapas and Kecil (blunt nose and black-tipped), and our first turtle sighting while diving at Kecil.

People can be uber-cool and blasé about swimming with potentially bitey, poisonous stuff, but when it's your first time it's still bloody frightening whatever others claim – especially if you're from the original Jaws generation of terrorised kids to whom there is no such thing as a nice shark. Still, it gets easier with every encounter we're told.

jb/malaysia/Kecil/Monitor lizards
Seen 'em. They're big, they're timid and two of them live behind, or sometimes under our cabin at Petanti beach and take a stroll every morning past the kitchens on the scrounge for discarded fish heads. So that makes seven baby reef sharks and their mum living in the shallows, and a 2m monitor lizard on the lawn. How cool is that?

jb/malaysia/langkawi/Monkey wee
Schlepped a really crappy 10 hour overnight bus across Malaysia to Penang and then a dawn ferry to Langkawi. Not sure if the pain of the journey was really worth it though – Langkawi is nice enough but nowhere near as exotic or interesting as it makes out to be. It's a resort island, nothing more. Some of the original beauty is there but much is lost amongst pre-fab package holidaymakers, western tavernas and Irish theme bars. The giant plastic eagle that greets you at the jetty pretty much sums it up.

The chaos on the beaches nearest us was quite funny, albeit staggeringly dangerous, as a non-stop stop barrage of competing parasailing outfits, tour boats, jetskiers and banana boats fought for landing space in 15 minute frenzied intervals. I had hoped to learn to waterski here, but you'd have to be mad to let this dodgy collection of beach rastas tow me behind a boat.

Touring the island by scooter was a lot of fun, though, finding the first of many random water buffalo collectives and extended families of monkeys harassing passing motorists. As Em will tell you, don't leave your bike unattended around here unless you want a saddle soaked in monkey pee.

Smiles were restored however when we found a petting zoo entirely empty of customers (small children). Stuff visiting the wonders of the modern and ancient worlds, if you want to see an expression of supreme ecstasy it's Em surrounded by 'babbits' with an endless supply of 10 Ringit rabbit food on her lap.