Thailand beach life

The famous Thai islands: Ko Samui, Ko Phangang and Ko Tau on the Gulf coast, and Ko Phi Phi on the Andaman. On the strength of a recommendation by some divers in Malaysia and an itinerary which meant that we could only afford, timewise and moneywise, to visit one set of islands, we decided to head to Phi Phi. We met another couple from London on the ferry, Lindsey and James, who turned out to be heading the same way and we ended up travelling together for a good week because we got on so well.

The ferry trip over there was sunny, calm and the surrounding islands are really lovely (because they are uninhabited) so we got our hopes up for the loveliness of Phi Phi itself. Lo, it was a great big building site. The limestone cliffs, satellite islands and uninhabited bits were beautiful, but the accelerated re-and new construction after the tsunami in '04 has pretty much ruined Phi Phi itself. It's rammed with tourists, expensive and noisy. Having had a bit of a bitch, I admit we did have a great time. I did a cooking course with Lindsey, which was brilliant fun and of course the best thing about cooking courses is that you or your (lazy, shiftless, ungrateful, hungover) other half get to eat all the food you make! We had a lovely guy called Noi teaching us and I learned how to make green curry, fish cakes and tom yum (spicy hot and sour prawn soup, which I will erect a shrine to when we get home and make every day – every other meal I have eaten in Asia has been tom yum, and John thinks this might be the reason why I have had a dodgy stomach now and again). We also learned green Thai curry and one or two other dishes, so anyone who is feeling adventurous will have to come over and take their chances on some Thai cuisine!

We were on Ko Phi Phi for the full moon party in June as well, which is only a shadow of the legendary Ko Phanyang rave, but there were still a hundred or so people on the beach and we had a great time. There was a fire-dancing competition (if you havn't seen it, basically very dextrous people light chains/sticks/balls on fire and do amazing spinning and twirling routines to loud music) and when the professionals were done, they lit a large bamboo ring suspended in the air on fire and encouraged the drunk, the stoned and the small of penis to jump through it. More than one launched themselves into it. One really annoying girl in a floral skirt nearly pulled it down onto herself - trying to leap four foot through a ring of accelerant-fueled flame in a long skirt? I was not tempted to try, no matter how much I like fire. Luckily they had positioned the hoop at the edge off the water so if you hit it you could dive straight into the sea. Then they lit a skipping rope on fire (lots more gasoline) and there was much bad timing shown by drunks and it was very entertaining.
Lindsey and I sat around on the beach chatting with a beer or two, but John and James decided that they would park themselves at the bar and not only have beer but torment the bartender with requests for cocktails, while also ordering rounds of 4 shots but then 'saving' Lindsey and I from having to have the shots, by drinking everything themselves. At about 5am the girls called time, but the guys decided that they would run away from us into the sea. Literally run, and it was a good 500 yards over rocks out to the water since the tide had gone out. We tried to get them back once or twice but soon realised we didn't want them back that much, and left them to it. About an hour later they turned up at the hostel bedraggled and indignant, but more docile. Lindsey and I agreed that it was nice they had made friends but that they weren't a very good influence on each other.

John and I also decided to do some diving on Phi Phi as we'd heard it was good (I was also reassured that there were no 'bad sharks' in the area – I love when they tell you that, do they really think sharks stick very carefully to the areas they are 'supposed' to be in??? there are o walls in the sea, people!). It was beautiful diving and although John had some air problems and had to surface early, for once we managed to get some good pictures on a digital camera.

On our last day we hired a long-tail boat to take us around the nearby islands and PhI Phi itself, for about £15, which was very nice. The sun was glorious (previous days had been wet and cloudy) and the snorkelling was the best I've ever seen. We found a leopard shark ('s okay, looks like a catfish and just lies there) and loads of gorgeous fish and coral. I decided to be clever and do a backwards roll off the boat but unfotunately it was a five foot drop so I immediately regretted showing off, somewhere around my kidneys. We found some of the most perfect beaches ever and went to the one where they filmed 'The Beach' (obligatory, no boat driver will let you skip it and it was dramatic but full of people and covered in litter).

From Phi Phi we got a VERY scary ferry (rolling around like it might capsize, complete with screams from the top deck as some people nearly fell overboard) to Railay on the coast, which turned out to be pretty crappy as a beach place, mostly swamp, and only redeemed by having a bar that did very nice, very blue cocktails. The next day I wasn't quite equal to the challenge of a hike to the lagoon nearby, so John headed off on his own and discovered that the 'hike' was more of a 300m high rock-climb that would not have been my cup of tea! There was nothing else to do around Railay, so from Ao Nang James and Lyndsey set off to Ko Tao for their last week of holiday, and we got a flight to Bangkok.

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jb/malaysia/Langkawi/Monkey wee
As Em says, we schlepped a really crappy 10 hour overnight bus across Malaysia to Penang and then a dawn ferry to Langkawi. Not sure if the pain of the journey was really worth it though – Langkawi is nice enough but nowhere near as exotic or interesting as it makes out to be. It's a resort island, nothing more. Some of the original beauty is there but much is lost amongst pre-fab package holidaymakers, western tavernas and Irish theme bars. The giant plastic eagle that greets you at the jetty pretty much sums it up.

The chaos on the beaches nearest us was quite funny, albeit staggeringly dangerous, as a non-stop stop barrage of competing parasailing outfits, tour boats, jetskiers and banana boats fought for landing space in 15 minute frenzied intervals. I had hoped to learn to waterski here, but even I'm not daft enough to let this dodgy collection of beach rastas tow me behind a boat.

Touring the island by scooter was a lot of fun, though, finding the first of many random water buffalo collectives and extended families of monkeys harassing passing motorists. As Em will tell you, don't leave your bike unattended around here unless you want a saddle soaked in monkey pee.

Smiles were restored however when we found a petting zoo entirely empty of customers (small children). Stuff visiting the wonders of the modern and ancient worlds, if you want to see an expression of supreme ecstasy it's Em surrounded by 'babbits' with an endless supply of 10 Ringit rabbit food on her lap.

jb/thailand/Krabi to Ko Phi Phi
We binnned Langkawi after a few days and took the ferry/taxi/two buses to Thailand (each getting progressively smaller, yet more ornate, inside until we were wedged into a punishment cart for Ompha Loompas, with our knees round our ears). On the way we met James and Lindsey, both heading in roughly the same direction. It was great to have some good company again, particularly after being stuck in a generation gap in NZ (being neither 17 nor 70). James and I had the obvious in common and there were a few messy drinking sessions in Krabi, Railay, and at the full moon party on Koh Phi Phi.

Phi Phi is a funny place. From a distance it's epic - astonishing tropical islands sculpted out of crazy limestone karst formations, aquamarine waters, and dense, lush jungle. Up close it's a building site cum rubbish tip peopled with a succesion of grasping tour operators, pounding bars and dive outfits. The epitomy of paradise spoiled.

Despite this we had a lot of fun. The girls took on a Thai cooking course while we slept off our hangovers and then ate the (impressive) consequences. Later, the full moon party was a collection of idiots trying to set fire to themselves, which is always fun to watch, and Em and I had a good day diving (although not as cheap or as exciting as Malaysia). This time we chalked up lion and scorpion fish, a giant moray, and a banded sea snake in one dive.

I'm trying to persuade Em to take the advanced course because she's so relaxed with the whole underwater thing, whereas 20 years of heavy smoking mean I get through a tank twice as fast as she does and then spend half the dive bobbing about on the surface looking like some kind of shipping buoy. And if ever there was a time I really wanted a cigarette...

jb/Thailand/koh phi phi/ A fabulous day
To get around here you mostly use the local longtail boats. This is a hairy experience, since they're basically highly unstable narrowboats with an old car motor at the back and a propellor on a long pole. Stupidly, the four of us booked one for a whole day of island hopping, sunbathing and snorkelling.

Even so it was a great day, starting with the really rather awesome cove harbouring Mayo beach. Up close it's a terrible disappointment because you need to wade through 10ft of washed up litter to swim, and by 2pm there's probably barely standing room left, but seen first time from the sea it's pretty damn special. So that was the start, really – Best Beach Setting.

We followed this later with Best Snorkelling To Date, as we splashed about the coral beds off Mosquito island and tried to annoy a harmless leopard shark, and then ended the day with My Number 1 Beach Of All Time when we spent the late afternoon on the absolutely idyllic Bamboo Island. A blazing hot day, crystal water, and perfect sand...

jb/Thailand/Railay/
We'd heard a lot about Railay (it's on the mainland but only accessible by boat) from other travellers, but the reality was a bit of a mixed bag. There's a rich beach with only all-inclusive resorts full of honeymooners, spoilt kids and families, and then there's a poor beach (where we stayed). The poor beach isn't really a beach at all but a tidal mangrove swamp. Both sides, rich or poor, have a lot of the building site about them.

Even so, because we were still with James and Lyndsey a lot of partying went on and a good time was had by one and all.

jb/Thailand/Railay/Lying bastards
When a sign says 'lagoon 300m' I generally take that to mean 300m horizontally. Silly me. Here they mean 300m straight up a cliff face with a rope dangling invitingly down, then 300m down the other side.

But you know how it is, it seemed like a such a good idea, especially in flip flops and a white shirt. The way up was a good, if filthy, scramble but the way down just got stupider and stupider, to the point where it was a succession of 20ft vertical drops over slippery rocks using knotted ropes. As the light got worse and the going more treacherous, only idiotic male pride kept me going as there were four Irish girls further ahead of me.

Sanity – and a shrinking penis - won out eventually, just two big drops short of the lagoon when the thunder heralded the advent of the day's monsoon downpour. 'Call me Nancy' I said, 'but fuck this for a game of mountaineers.' Just as well because the rains hit with a vengeance before I got back to the peak and it became a hellish scramble up and then down a vicious river of mud. Bollocks to all that 'felt so alive' climbing bullshit, I hated every second of it.

There was one sublime half hour though, sheltering from the worst of the rain wdeged half way up a cliff with a couple of other hapless climbers, drenched to the skin and covered in mud, when we realised we were surrounded by normally very, very shy black faced monkeys.

jb/Thailand/Railay/dangerous bastards
I'm collecting a list of the Top Ten Scariest or Stupidest Things We've Done Not By Our Own Choice and the 30 minute (ho ho) boat ride from Railay to Ao Nang in big monsoon swells in a longtail goes straight in there. In the first instance, we'd be dryer if we'd swum, and in the second instance we'd also have arrived at the right beach if we'd swum too. Unlike the boat.
jb/Thailand/Railay/Respect to James – how's this for a messy night?
Get drunk and try to learn fire juggling from a Thai barmaid.
Row with girlfriend on the way home, despite being barely able to speak
Stomp off at 1am, meet four non-English speaking Thai boatmen, an ATM and a game of cards
Arrive home at 8am only having 'lost a bit'. Which 'bit' God only knows.